The one with the explanation..

Hey all, it’s been a long time since I’ve last logged into this site. I thought my views might have died off when I stopped posting, but I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that over the months that I’ve let this blog rot, people have actually been checking out my content.

Because of that, I feel like I owe my 2 readers an explanation for my absence.

After my last post, the feelings of fear, anxiety, and failure started to kick in as time got closer and closer to my LSAT. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I felt nauseous and scared ALL the time. I lived off of chicken broth for a month. That’s all I could stomach.

There were some ups and downs in that last month. I did so many practice tests, I was so organized, but I still didn’t feel confident or prepared. I managed to start scoring in the 160s right before my exam date which was a nice boost to my ego, but didn’t help in my confidence and assurance that I would do well.

Come test day, everything that could go wrong went ABSOLUTELY WRONG. They let us in late, my test center didn’t have air conditioning in the waiting area but BLASTED the air conditioner in the test room, I was accompanied by some very talkative and anxiety-inducing test takers, and some guy in front of me just started STANDING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EXAM, BOY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????

The air conditioner was blowing my baby hairs on to my face, my pages off the teeny tiny desk of what looked like a mini chem lecture room. I couldn’t even eat the snacks I brought. I also felt nervous because, like a dumbass, I signed the sheet you’re supposed to bring before my arrival. (If you haven’t taken the test yet, the sheet says to wait to sign before your exam)

So I scored relatively low. I hadn’t scored that low since maybe my second practice test EVER. It was 5 points below my average score. I scored a 154.

When I woke up, refreshing the site like a maniac, I thought I was going to vomit. I was so disappointed in myself. For the next month I was so angry, so disappointed, so confused.

I had a plan. I was going to apply to law school in 2019.

Then, the rest of the world came crashing down. We sold my childhood home. We had a VERY stressful move to a new apartment that involved being somewhat homeless for two weeks and living with my cousin. My mom’s chronic illness got worse. My dad had to get surgery. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong.

It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve accepted that it just wasn’t my time yet. I’m grateful for the fellowship I participated in last year. I made some great friends and I learned a lot. I’m also grateful and lucky that I’ve been selected to be the instructor for this year’s fellowship. Why? Please don’t ask me, I don’t know. But I’m going to be positive and take this as an opportunity to study again, look up the reviews and be more selective about my testing center, and achieve my long term goals of going to law school.

This has truly been a learning experience for me and I’m learning to love myself more. I believe that there’s some plan for me that I don’t know about and I’m going to keep putting in the work. I know I’m not my score and I have a good feeling about my near future. I like myself a lot more now, so I’m hoping to be more active on this again for the one person still reading.

My journey is FAR from over.